Some Philly Trash

These were originally written for a seemingly ill-fated Philly Magazine aptly called Philly Trash (www.phillytrash.com). I was "hired" to write for them and submitted a bunch of crap, which I will put up in appropriate intervals in the coming days. It is fairly clear that either the incredible deftness of my writing, or its incredible daftness was a primary force in its miscarriage. Either way, they took one look at this stuff and their minds completely blanked on all that HTML training they thought they had.

They had a list of topics to choose from, including health, advice, hunting, fishing, dancing, trapsing, walkabout, and hedge-core. OK, I don't remember any of the choices except for health and advice, as they were the two I chose to start with. What follows is my first, and thus far only shot at an advice column. However, feel free to email any and all questions and concerns to Billyfrolic@yahoo.com and I will answer them in a more respectful form than one witnesses below:

Ask the Man From the Billy D

This column will consist of my answering questions presented by you the reader. Our first batch of questions have been compiled by myself, over the years, by reading the mail of people who no longer reside at the home(s) where I now(ed) live. Our first question comes from Paula in Trevlock Creek, Louisiana.

Dear Mitch,

Why ever did you leave me and the children? I know you left to follow your dream. But we want to be a part of that dream. On a lighter note, I have two dinner parties to attend this month, and I need some advice. The first party is a small smattering of old friends, getting together for a night of reminiscence and flavor. The next party, just the following night, is at the home of a man I met at work. Actually, he’s my new boss. But we really hit it off, and he told me I had trenchant eyes. My question is two-fold. First, what would be the proper wine to present to my hosts at each occasion? I would like to bring something light and fun to my get together with Cindy, Rachelle, and the crew. I’m thinking something classier for the next evening with Donald and his great aunt. For them, I want something deeper and more incisive. Something that says, “I’m not quite a connoisseur, but I know enough about wine to bring you something refined that will make you think about it as you drink it.” Secondly, how much do you think I can get away with drinking on Friday and still look good on Saturday night? The ladies and myself tend to get carried away the one night a month we allow ourselves to go out together. Cheryl is so busy with the kids, and the rest of us have jobs, jobs, jobs. Something. Something. Something. “At least it’s something.” And you know Loraine, her bowels are so irregular she may spend the whole damn time in the toilet anyway. So I’d like to get a good load on Friday with the girls. Some drinks, a couple of pills, just a bunch of loud obnoxious girls in the corner of the pub. But I don’t wanna look like I swallowed the dog the next night when Donald introduces me to “the woman to whom I owe everything.” I’m not exactly sure what he means by that, especially considering the detrimental affect she has seemed to have on his life. But anyway, your advice, as always, is appreciated. I hope to see you at the family get together next month. You know that your mother and I are more than willing to foot the bill for you to take a train from Clifton Heights down to Trevlock Creek for the party. We love you Mitch. Make us proud. Come back! Oh! Love forever and ever, Paula M. Trevlock Creek, LA

Hey lady,

For your little soirée with the gals, bring along a nice light Pinot Grigio. This is an especially good wine if you will be mainly having Hors DeVours, or just light appetizers with your drinks. Bring it chilled if you expect to have it opened in your presence. This is a good wine for a spring swing, or a late afternoon on a temperate day. For a playful burgundy, darker and richer for these winter months, try the Georges Duboeuf Beaujolais. It’s a red wine, but it is light and fruity and just fun. It’s a young wine, so pick up the 2005 or 2004, and they’ll all just love it.

For your night out at the new in-laws, you want a wine that that makes a statement about the kind of woman you are. Confidence and control?: Cabernet Sauvignon. Airy Princess?: Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, light Chardonnay. Wild enchantress?: Champagne! It’s your night, you decide!

When selecting a wine to bring as a gift to the hosts of the house to which you have been invited, be discerning. Pick one that’s a bit more than you were hoping to spend, but not enough to even come close to breaking the bank. Fifteen bucks, max. Most important in your search, you must, absolutely must, select a wine that has a pretty label. How else are your hosts going to see just how refined you are…

Dear Professor Lache,

How important do you feel the creation of our moon and its subsequent set of major influences on our planet was to the evolution of creatures from fish and simple sea creatures to the amazing array of land dwelling (and sea dwelling) beings we see today? Also, would you suggest wearing a tie on a first date.

Phil Operance

[I was in your class last semester]

Recent discoveries right here on earth imply that with the right set of sometimes unexpected circumstances, life can spring forth and flourish. Such research provides insight into the very nature of life, and its regenerative abilities. At the deepest depths of the ocean, in the coldest, darkest seas of the Antarctic, in the path of destruction, life exists. So even the asteroid collision that created our moon, which inevitably turned the entire planet into a giant fireball, complete with brimstone and utter destruction of all present life, was a good thing in the march of evolution. As the planet cooled and softened and such, and life began its slow ascent from the depths of the newly forming oceans, the baby moon began its tutelage in the job its still wakes up every night to see through. In circling the young Earth, its gravity pulled the immense oceans from side to side. The tidal difference was only a number of feet in most spots, but this swaying in and out of water most certainly encouraged some of the creatures in the water to get out and have a look around, considering the moon was nearly insisting on it. And no doubt these tidal influences, as well as some relative catastrophe, left us with our sea bearing mammalian friends. So shucks bless the moon! She deserves it. As for your date, NO! Do not wear a tie! First off, you don’t wanna seem like an uptight nut job. More importantly, in case you didn’t get the memo they emailed out, “emo” is no longer cool at all and those people should be shunned.