I bet that once, at least once, you had this burning, nagging itch at the bottom of your stomach.
I bet you were left emotionally doubled over for days, weeks, even months or years.
I bet.
I can tell you three times in my own recent past when I was left clutching my emotional gut, cringing at the thoughts of what could have been and what is.
I had written this delightfully long winded and convoluted “column” for this very page. The thing took me well over a half of an hour, and essentially consisted of my drawing dense and poignant comparisons between our sports and our politik. As motis operandi go, that has been my bag of grass for the first couple of columns here, and for the time being I’ll keep it that way. Long gone are the days of masturbatory quips about masturbatory acts. You’ll have to wait for another Stiff Boner w/ Tim Toner for that.
So yeah, I wrote this jauns about two weeks ago, and have managed to completely forget its contents. What happened? You ask. Well. Upon its near completion, the old CPU unit pulled one of its “it’s 1989, stand up and take a look around” moments and kicked it out “freeze up” style. I was left with nothing. Nothing, that is, except for that nauseous, burning ache lingering above my testes.
I’d go into the other two things, about how only jerks manage to get themselves kicked off of football teams, or how only idiots quit good bands & friends. But even now, while the aches linger, the text seems tired and played.
It’s funny, even this revision of the lost attempt to recreate the lost column has needed editing from the gods of tact. This little masterpiece you have before you (nearly behind you) has taken a day or two to put down, and in that time much of what I had to say two days ago has been rendered trite and irrelevant. Luckily, my malaise in finishing afforded me the opportunity to strike the offending clauses from the official virtual record. If, however, you access this tract by way of hacking into emails I send to myself, or by accessing my machine’s drives, and checking out the BILLY file in “My Documents,” then you know what I’m talking about.
What am I talking about?
That’s a good question, best answered through the admission of the utter lack of direction or purpose in this the third writing on the buddhafarters page and the first on the 1995 page. Man, I’ll tell you though… That first one I wrote, the one that I lost, that was the gem. I swear, its loss knocked me outta commission for a good two weeks. Hopefully this contextual belch will get the creative juices flowin again.
Of course, it was not just let-down-ed-ness and malaise which kept the ‘boy asunder’ under the radar these past days and weeks. Upon maternal request I have been spending my time constructing a list of gifts I would like to receive in celebration and recognition of the once now lost birth of my, yours, ours, and everybody’s lord and savior, the JC. I don’t expect to receive much or any of these gifts, per se. But the exercise of searching for and singling them out has been an amazingly informative experience. I hope it does the same for you. So, without further ado, mom, here’s my Xhristmas list (now, bear with me here…This extensive list is long, greedy, and by no means worth reading. Its like a “gadgets” page all the hip new magazines have, except without immediately accessible pictures of the products, or scantily clad ladies.
It happened again!!!!! I can’t believe it but it’s true. After writing the above sentence, I went on for about another six more. Then, I cut and paste my list as promised. I began shaping it up a bit for your viewing pleasure, when suddenly my word program said “Not responding.” Luckily (or unluckily, we may learn) it managed to save almost everything else. I can’t remember a lick of what was lost, except noting that “ado” referred to “bullshit” and therefore my additional rantings post- “without further ado” were suspect of being even more bullshit than what preceded. Alas, the bullshit ends! [and begins…]
Note: It’s important to note that the length of this list in no way implies a glut of gift reception, but instead an abundance of choice. Also, please refrain from buying me anything on this list, unless you first speak with my mom and Beth to ensure they haven’t already bought me the same thing. Man, wouldn’t that be embarrassing for you guys.
Billy's Xhristmas List Nice Shirts:
Light Blue Plaid Button Up
Red plaid
Jacket
Westbury Blazer
Bombay Track Jacket
Moroco Track Jacket
Dragonfly Men's Faux Layered Blazer
Motocross Jacket
Men’s Zip Up Sweater
Jeans:
686 Men's National Regular Straight Leg Twill Jeans
Levi 501 Original
Levi Bootcut 517
Levi Surveillance pants
Levi Premium Offender
Pants:
Camel cololed pants!
Sweaters (Size:L)
Sweater 1
Color: Brown (Sweater 2)
Pope Sweater
T-Shirt
The Who 1
The Who 2
Egypt Polo Shirt
Dublin Shirt
NPR
NPR 2
NPR 3
Bouncing Souls
They Might Be Giants 1
They Might Be Giants 2
They Might Be Giants 3
Sixer Shirt 1
Sixers Shirt 2
Belts/Beltbuckles
Bullet Buckle
Ramones Buckle
The Who Buckle
B/W Belt
Red Stars Belt
Buttons:
Mr. T Experience
Against Me!
The Vindictives
Art
Kandinsky print
a different Kandinsky
DVD:
MC5
Robert Anton Wilson: Maybe Logic
Book:
Malcolm Gladwell: The Tipping Point
Augusten Burroughs: Magical Thinking
Ben Weasel: Punk is a Four Letter Word
Aaron Cometbus: Despite Everything
Al Franken: The Truth (with jokes)
Audio
MTX: Alcatraz 12”
MTX: Our bodies, Our selves 12”
Plow United: Narcolepsy
The Methadones: Career Objective
They Might Be Giants
Bouncing Souls: The Good, The Bad, the Out of Print
Boxer Rebellion
Cranked Up: This is a Weapon
Super Hi 5: Songs for Working
The Orphans: Raise the Youth
Musical Instruments/Equipment
Piano Key Melodica
Wireless Guitar System
Incredible 12-string banjo
Gibson Les Paul Vintage Guitar
Gibson Les Paul Double Cutaway (yellow)
4 Track recording device
Misc.
Hug-oo Round Pillow
Keychain Digital Camera
So that’s it, so far. Try as I might, I have yet to find any really good place to get eccentric men’s pants. All the ones I find are either too corny or too poorly crafted. If you know anywhere good, holla back!!!!
Here’s some links….
Billy’s ‘in’ @ the CIA…
9-11 Cha-Cha-Cha. Dance with former FBI director Louis Freeh!
Grant Morrison wrote the Matrix, right?
Best stay out of India, Witches!
The Pope as Intelligent Designer. (I’d like a set of mittens for Xhristmas, Grandpa!)
And you thought those Pencils were just for makin pretty pictures!
So hopefully this glut of crap will kick me into writing gear again. Maybe I’ll share with you my TV treatment for a sitcom with two twin brother terrorists, or some soft poetry from my youth.
